King's Daughter's Kitchen

I did not know what real joy was until 2021. I grew up in a strict military family where I was the oldest, and I was pushed to be the best. This drive toward perfection resulted in physical and mental abuse. All along, I went to church and prayed.

I married a man who, much like my parents, valued the best. I did not recognize a pattern of emotional and private physical marital abuse because I had never developed a “self” with choices and a backbone. I lived in submissive survival mode. I went along to keep the peace. I believed I was happy, but I had never experienced true joy.

We raised children to adulthood. In their raising, my faith grew stronger, but my self dialogue became uglier, my worth, less, and I began to think of suicide often.

Later, my daughter and her boyfriend murdered my two year old grand daughter. I was not in the same town and was teaching when my son called to tell me I needed to go to the hospital. I believed the evil was somehow my fault. I will forever be a witness against that evil and stand for my grand daughter and for children.

Soon after my granddaughter’s funeral, my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. My first thought, “I envy you because you are going to be able to forget.”

I began studying my Bible, reading in earnest for God’s plan in it all for me, praying and listening. I also started going to  counseling with a female Christian counselor who poured into me ideas from God about self esteem, true joy, the power of the Holy Spirit, and a woman’s place of power and faith in the world. As the counselor worked with me, Pastor’s words and all of the years of Bible study fit into my mind together like a beautiful puzzle.

My self vocabulary changed. The me of now cannot believe I held the ugly thoughts of then. I am a new creature. I experience true joy often in the power of the Holy Spirit who brings me peace and shows me love. I believe the greatest change is having a close relationship with my Father God, recognizing his gifts in my life, big or small, and being thankful for His goodness. I am thankful. I am free.