King's Daughter's Kitchen

I was resigned with the way it was. Man! Was I wrong. He is the Potter. We are the clay.

January: I really wanted (past tense) out of my abused life, bad enough to make a plan to die for it. My New Year’s resolution is to lose 100 pounds and stay on a Biblically based diet. It’s my first meeting with Tiana for Occupational Therapy for PTSD and my paralyzing head-on car wreck. Queen Tiana Herself models with her life how to be a strong, fierce, beautiful, powerful, outspoken, Christian woman with her own opinions and attitudes who is also kind.

February: I call the Fire Department to get my husband off the floor after a fall. He goes to the hospital, then to a nursing home. I spend the first night in the house alone with all the dogs. In my adult life, I had never lived by myself, not for forty years. By the third night, I realize, I can do this thing.

March: In counseling, I learn that I am not responsible for the choices of other people. It takes a few months for that to sink in and stick, a few more for me to act like I believe it.

April: I realize that I do not have to answer my husband’s narcissistic whims immediately anymore. I don’t have to jump up and run across town to bring him what he wants. I have the power to choose when I see him. I will never be physically or emotionally abused again. It’s hard for me to believe say out loud for a while.

May: I get a library card and check out videos I have never been allowed to see before. I binge watch Call the Midwives without rude remarks or interruptions. I go to the Farmer’s Market and meet the sweet couple who make their own kimchi. I stay as long as I want to stay. I am allowed to talk to people and finish the conversation, feels so strange good.

June: I go back to the Farmer’s Market and get more vegetables and two jars of kimchi. I’m curious about vegetable and bread fermentation and gut health. I research and buy a couple books. My self vocabulary is changing. I’m learning that I am able to live, manage, and do for myself.

August: I’m a regular at the Alzheimer’s Spouses Support Group. I have my pink leg braces, so I think about doing the walk this year. I get to order pink hearing aids. The doctor says he can do cochlear implant surgery for Menieres if my hearing aids ever stop working. I make sourdough starter.

September: I look for apartments near my son and consider selling the house. I start to donate some of my husband’s hoarding. I have stopped asking myself “What will my husband think if I do or choose this?” Or, “What will my private punishment be?” Now, I ask “Does it mesh with the Jesus I know and love?”, and “Does it bring me joy?” If either answer is no, I walk away. I use up the sourdough starter making pizza crust.

October: I get serious and call Salvation Army to pick up some furniture. I start exercising.

November: I hit 90 pounds weight lost this year. Ten pounds left. Each pound makes me more physically free. I get help cleaning out the house and de-hoarding the yard. As the house empties, it feels like I lose emotional weight.

December: I have chocolate ice cream because I’m free, because I choose. I buy a new water bottle. I learn to make protein balls. When I look in the mirror I see a free queen, daughter of the One True King. I have real joy, not just temporary happiness. I have the power of His healing, the protection of angels, and wisdom from the Holy Spirit guiding my life choices. I live in an almost empty house that’s ready for its sale pictures. I have new friends all around town. I am living free, but now I am also alive with hope.