King's Daughter's Kitchen

O8/05/2024

Carrying emotional pain and guilt is like dragging a bag of rocks bigger than yourself up a mountain. Allow yourself a fresh start.

During Covid, I worked from home in a back bedroom office and barely spoke to my husband before nine p.m. So, he had free reign of the house and his life. When I retired from teaching, I was home and bored. My husband and I began to fight over what I realized were longstanding differences about boundaries. The arguing continued and escalated after the car accident. I went to my pastor for advice.

Each pastor I had in life had given me sound Biblical advice when I asked. This time, when my pastor suggested that we see a Christian marriage counselor and didn’t give me advice that put my mind at peace, I was very angry with him. I wanted my problem solved immediately. I did not realize at the time that going to a counselor who could help us longterm was the best advice he could have given.

It is not the pastor’s job to solve all of our problems. It is the work of God through the power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to teach us in prayer time in His timing. I needed to learn to pray for myself. So, I began in earnest. Not just, “Help me, help me,” but instead, “Lord, could you teach my heart to talk to you, to have conversation, a relationship, to learn, to hear you, to listen and not be selfish and to be thankful? Thank you, Jesus.”

We went to counseling, where I learned I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, my husband began medicine for Bipolar Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and God began to help me to heal. I did not realize the depths of abuse in my marriage, how much of “me” was smothered by my husband’s needs, wants, and desires.

When our therapist asked, “Who is on the throne of your life?”

My brain automatically answered, “My Jesus.”

My husband answered, “I have always looked out for myself. I don’t need anyone.”

The therapist asked, “Why did you get married?”

I sat still. My husband said, “To have someone to have sex with.”

I realized in the moment that I did not know whether he loved me or not. The therapist gave me a card for a lady Christian counselor for me to see by myself. After a few sessions, my husband stopped going, but I continue to this day. My counselor advised me to find something to do just for me that made me happy. After awhile, I realized that I am happiest when I am cooking in my kitchen with sunlight streaming through the window and shining onto my empty canning jars and full spice cabinet.

Jesus is on the throne in all areas of my life. It didn’t start out like that. I had to choose to surrender to God the control I held onto so tightly. Knowing Invincible Warrior God holds every atom of my stuff, good and bad, is so freeing.